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There are certain Man Laws that guys cannot break, no matter what the circumstances. For example, guys DO NOT watch chick flicks and cry. Another one is that guys DO NOT drink lite beer. Every guy knows that there is NO cuddling after sex unless you are paralyzed and she is assisting you the hospital. All men should understand that two guys do not share the same umbrella, even if there is a deluge going on. It is understood by all dudes that it is not acceptable to own a tiny dog of any breed, ever. And lastly, men do not take bubble baths. That is, of course, unless that bubble bath is with a woman who is of the big-tit persuasion and is promising to jerk you off with not only her hands but with those giant bags o' fun, too. And that woman has to be reigning cock expert and nut-sac draining specialist, Candace Von. It is only under these exact conditions that the no bubble bath law can be circumvented. Thank goodness this guy found that loophole that allowed him to frolic in the suds with Candace, otherwise he might have missed out on what can only be described as the best tits and tug job of all time. Not only does Candace know how to make a cock erupt, she is probably one of the nastiest bitches ever. Of course that's nasty in a good way. Her dirty talk will have you stiff in a heartbeat and cumming in two shakes...or strokes, depending on your style.

We'd like to take a moment and send a little bit of love in a shout out to hotel maids. These women move stealthily, ridding rooms of dirt, grime, funk and used condom wrappers and they work hard. Think about it. They change your sheets, replace soap, vacuum and dust. Heck, some of them even service you, wrapping their nice, round and brown dugs around your dick flesh and stroking you until you cum. What? Not all maids do that? Well this one does and we are pretty sure she cleans up all the man sauce on her rack, too. Maybe she even leaves you a mint on your pillow.

It's a Friday night and you're out at your local dance club, otherwise known as the place where you go to find hos to stick your dick in. (Don't worry, we don't think you actually go there because you want to dance around like a ballerina, buddy.) The night is looking pretty shitty because the chicks look like hyenas, so you saunter over to the bar to drown your sorrows in a few cold ones before heading back to your pad all alone to whack off. You're spilling a few tears in your beer when you look over and see them. By them, we mean two gigantic, chocolate tits. You look up and there she is, Carmen Hayes, in all her boobarific glory. Her red dress is barely covering her hooters and you know that it's now or never, so you go over and introduce yourself. She rolls her eyes at you but you are not deterred because you know a chick like this is going be to a challenge. So you engage her in a gentleman's wager and she takes the bait. If she can get you off with just her tits, you'll give her a diamond necklace. If she can't, then you get to nail her tight mocha pussy. You go back to the crib and she slams your cock with her bangin' boobies until you spurt. You accept your defeat and when she tries to claim her diamond necklace prize, you tell her the truth: That creamy pearl necklace she is wearing is going to have to suffice. Then you smile and tell her that she should love her new jewelry because you made it yourself and those are the gifts that count the most.